Here I am again four months later. I know I have a history of falling off the face of the planet for months at a time, but if your following a bipolar blogger…it’s gonna happen. Life got complicated and overwhelming, there was just no time for me and the things I wanted to do, my hearing didn’t go well and I was in a funk, but we are now happily ensconced in Georgia and awaiting the pcs to Washington. Seattle here I come!
Some news- went off my anxiety meds for two weeks, I’m back on them now. I almost exploded like an overboiling pot with the lid on. I’ve been religious on all my other meds. Like a good girl. It was a complete accident, going off the Buspar. My refill was expired by the time I went to fill it and there was nothing I could do but go to the ER; my paranoia of being admitted kept me from doing that. I finally broke down and went, they referred me to another doc and I got my meds. I have an appointment in September to keep things on track. Still not in with mental health and impatiently waiting for their phone call, but it should be within the next couple weeks because the doc that gave me my Buspar wrote for my referral. The medical system is so hard to navigate here on post. I can’t imagine managing my own health care in a debilitated state. I can easily see getting lost in the cracks.
So we all know I went overboard with the essential oils and aromatherapy, no need to say I told you so. I still very much believe in their benefits, but I don’t have the all consuming desire to do everything all essential oils all the time anymore. Much like any of my previous infatuations that you have been witness to. I’m finding other things are interesting me. Like the Whole Foods Plant Based Lifestyle. I have seriously cut all meat, dairy and cheese from my life and I feel great! I’m losing weight at a steady pace, down 7 lbs since the change three weeks ago. My skin has cleared up and even the bumps on my arms are going away. I’m enjoying cooking a variety of meals and all the new flavors. There will be more on this subject.
My husband will be home from Iraq in a short time and I find myself looking forward to that. I really do miss the guy. We also have a new family member I am eager for him to meet. Her name is Summer and she is a rescue, abandoned on post here and in a sad state when found. She is a good dog but keeps shitting on my floor. She was supposedly for my oldest, to have a companion,and teach responsibility, but is increasingly more bonded to me. I should have known that would happen. The shit too. My youngest has started preschool and I find myself wondering aimlessly through the house looking for chores to do. It’s like I don’t know what to do with myself. I haven’t felt this good, this balanced, in years and I’m having a hard time getting back into the swing of life. Speaking to my husband today about all this and realized it has been 7 years since the depressive episode that shook my world. 7 long years on the road to recovery. There have definitly been ups and downs along the way, fluctations in my general state of mind and years spent heavily medicated to the point of zombification. We reminisced about the years I was bedridden and what went through his mind during the time we were apart. It’s all in the past now. I feel a sense of releif, like a burden has been lifted. It’s over. As long as I take my meds like a good little crazy girl and keep seeing the docs for adjustments, there is a bright future for me out in the world. I think the aromatherapy helped to ground me and I believe my diet has affected me as well. I’m taking positive steps to ensure my mental health remains stable and all these little steps add up to a bigger picture of a healthier me. I take my meds, use my oils, I’m eating a healthy diet, I sit in front of my little sun lamp for an hour every morning, and I am focusing on the good and the future. For the first time in years I feel like I actually have a future.
Now that my life is here, now that i feel like a person again, what do I do with myself. I’m so out of practice. I’m bathing once a week. Not because of the cameras in the bathroom that I know are not there, I can’t even feel them anymore. But because I forget, I just don’t think about it. Showering isn’t part of the life I’ve been living. So many normal everyday habits like this elude me now. Brushing my teeth. I will literally stand in the bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror, knowing there are things to do, hygeine to keep, I’ll pluck my eyebrows and then contemplate makeup, tie my hair up (dreads are doing great!) and double check everything and still forget to brush my teeth. Like, who does that? Someone who only brushed her teeth when someone told her it needed to be done for years, someone who at times wasn’t allowed to have a toothbrush. (google-shank) It’s hard, trying to put back the peices of my broken life again. Harder still to do it without the support of my husband. One person who remained loyal and steadfast and true through it all. For better or worse really took a spin for the worst for him. I have spent the majority of our marriage in bed, and not in the good way. I need someone to remind me how to do life. I am doing a great job keeping the house clean and I need to work on keeping myself clean. I also need to make some friends. Desperately. Some peeps to hang with, play cards or bitch about our kids. All my friends fell by the wayside when I stopped answering my phone or returning phone calls. I have reached out and really put myself out there on several occasions and I guess I am out of practice at that as well. It’s hard to make friends in a new place, especially when your only going to be there a few months. People seem to hear that we have orders across the country and don’t want to put in the effort to get to know me while I am here. Like, what’s the point, I’m just leaving anyway. More and more, Seattle is where I want to be. It will be home for at least 3 years, long enough to put down some roots. Make some friends, develop some hobbies. Decorate the house. Right now we are just living out of the boxes from the last move, over half my furniture is in storage still. There is a certain amount of trepidation about the move, it’s a big one after all. Cross country with two kids a dog and a cat. I’m trying to focus on the adventure of it all, but I worry. It’s my crutch.