Rambling On…

I can’t say exactly when because…OPSEC but my husband will be home in roughly a week.  9 months is a long time to go without your spouse and partner in life.  This is the second time we have done it in 4 years.  I feel like it refreshes our marriage every time.  All that time spent apart and away from the little annoyances you develop leaves us with a fresh perspective and desire just to be near each other that we wouldn’t otherwise have.  I have a long history of man-hopping after about a year, year and a half max.  I think that the patterns of military life have resulted in an ideal situation for my restless heart.  I get a new man every few years without sacrificing the history we have.  Weird I know.  But eight years strong this past August.  Right now I am dreading the next deployment and can’t wait for him to be home.  By the time that next deployment comes, hopefully quite a while away, I’ll be frustrated with his dirty socks stuck in the couch cushions and his bad habits and all those little things that get on your nerves when you live with someone.  About the time I would normally walk away is when we will have a forced break, allowing me breathing room and time to miss those little things he does that make me love him.  I am aware that this line of thinking may not make for a healthy marriage, but we are not emotionally healthy people.  We both carry a lot of baggage, me more so.  My bipolar diagnosis is just the tip of an iceberg.  Years of living on the edge and lifestyle choices that led to emotionally traumatic experiences have left me…broken? I hate to say that but it seems accurate.  Misaligned in the mind? Idk about labeling my defects but there is a lifetime of therapy in my future. No lol. 

waasMy newest therapist, new because we moved again, wants to talk about any sexual abuse and any date rape I experienced.  Does it count as date rape if you are too drunk to be lucid, but you intentionally got that drunk because you had to be drunk to have sex in the first place, and at some point in every relationship, sex is expected?  Too anxiety ridden to relax enough to have sex, I turned to alcohol to ease the moment, so to speak.  Turning every sexual experience I had during that time into a hazy memory of unwanted personal closeness.  Is it rape if you got drunk enough to not remember on purpose? Idk. Probably not. The clear assaults in my youth made it too hard to do it sober when I was older.  I feel like I am past all that and don’t want to delve into that blackest chapter of my life.  Let sleeping baggage lay.  Like how he wanted to have a complete rundown of my entire history of drug and alcohol abuse.  My idea of a productive visit is not sitting around talking about every time I used drugs or how much I drank for how many years.  No thank you. I’d like to leave that in the past.  I want to talk about managing my illness and recognizing when I may be hypomanic or getting depressed. 

 Speaking of depressed, I had a few really bad days last week.  I think it was related to what I was eating and doing with my time.  I binge watched some pretty intense dramas on hulu and ate nothing all day then binged on vegan ice cream at bedtime.  I have avoided tv like the plague for years because I know it bothers me, I let myself get bored and then sucked into these emotionally intense shows. I didn’t eat right and my psyche showed the damage I had done.  I’m still struggling to eat at all.  There is this, incorrect, barrier in my mind that says I’ll be thin if I don’t eat.  Despite all the evidence otherwise and the progress I have made eating whole foods plant based, I still have to force myself to eat.  I associate eating with being fat.  We need to talk about this in therapy.  My emotional state being so easily triggered for better or worse by my food choices makes it that much more important.  So, no more tv for me, lesson re-learned.  Sticking to cartoons from now on.  I did some meal prep and have no more junk in the house to tempt me late at night.  I have loads of healthy options I just have to make myself eat throughout the day so that I don’t binge later in the evening. I know this in my head but why is it so hard to do.  Here it is 12p and I have had nothing but coffee.  There is peanut butter banana oatmeal in the fridge and all the fixings for my favorite smoothie.  Stuff I like, and my head is telling me I should eat but my tummy is saying I’ll get fatter if I do. I am down in pounds now to 237. I know this lifestyle works and slow progress is the best progress. But I have to get over this wall, this anorexic and binge eating wall.  I’m not healthy now, but I want so badly to be.  I’m going to use my MYCAA grant to take some holistic nutrition classes from American Fitness Professionals Association to get the ball rolling on my healthy future.  As a commitment to myself and my healthy lifestyle choices, sort of a foot up my ass.  I have to follow through on weight loss because nobody wants a fat nutrition coach lol.  It’s an exciting prospect to me to be fit and healthy and to help others on their weight loss journey.  But I have to get myself in shape first.  I have two years to complete the nutrition master’s course to get my certificate.  My plan is that within that time my own weight will be under control.  Next week I start back to the gym again on tuesday.  Baby steps, but steps in the right direction.  This post has turned into a ramble on all things currently me, again.  Hoping to get back in the routine of posting daily, journaling is great for my mood.  More things positive in my life mean a more positive mood for me.  A combination of all things positive reflects like a mirror for me on my mood.  No sugar, no tv, writing daily, working out and eating healthy, all positive.

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