235.4 lbs

Well I made it to 235.  In two months I have lost 20 lbs.  Pretty good, if I do day so myself. 

My husband got home yesterday and I felt like I was sixteen again.  It’s been a long nine months, but he’s home now.  Lots of photo ops yesterday and when I look at myself in those pictures it is shocking to me how fat I still am. I don’t feel that fat. I feel so much lighter, so much like my old self. But man those pictures.  It makes me feel like I am not doing enough. Like the progress is too slow.  I’m sitting here choking down my green smoothie, thinking about the gym. I have got to go. I have to take my life back. Get some control over myself and just do it.  I walked the baby to preK today. That’s a start I guess.  When I look at how far I have come, from 267 lbs at my heaviest, I feel like I should look better than I do. I definitely feel better than I look.  I have so far to go, 80 more lbs.  

I feel so bad about myself today, I think, because I feel so bad for my husband.  I don’t know how he could even want me.  We got married and that same year the depression hit, and the weight started climbing.  I’m not normally, anymore, so down on myself. I just feel like I used to be this thin, beautiful person and I let him down both physically and emotionally.  I was so emotionally distant for so many years and he hung in there through it all.  The least I could do is be pretty.  I tried to dress up nice for the homecoming, put makeup on and all that, and felt like I looked so good, but then I see just how big I am in those pictures and I wanna puke.  I’m so disappointed in myself.

I’m going to get through this though. I’m strong, my marriage is strong, we can get through this. If he’d just stop wanting to have sex with the lights on, jeez.  I’m going to hit that gym and follow the plant based diet and take my body back.  It’s my two month anniversary with this way of eating and I have made so much progress. I’ll keep going, I’m not giving up.

  So I’ll prep food this morning. Banana steel cut oats for the week.  Make up my smoothie packets and choke one down every morning cause vegan protein powder sucks.  I’ll make up some more salads and get my hands on the elusive red lentil for lentil stew. I can do this, just keep swimming, just keep swimming.

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