Monday Blues

241.8 lbs

Somehow I gained 6 lbs in a week.  Totally blaming my husband.  There were a lot of foods he was looking forward to coming home to and I fell off the whole food plant based wagon. I remained vegan all but once, had a burger, but the weight still came packing back on.  Just because It’s vegan doesn’t make it healthy. I also slept the day away the day after I ate the burger.  

I’ve also had a few drinks, playing with fire, I know. I had a couple margaritas one day and some wine another day.  My husband even bought me another bottle of wine while grocery shopping.  He just doesn’t grasp the concept of alcoholism, I think because he’s an alcoholic too, he just doesn’t know it yet.  He has drank every night he has been home, was legitimately drunk last night.  I just had a conversation with my therapist about his drinking and denied he’s an alcoholic, I am now second guessing that assessment.  I’ve many times asked him not to have alcohol in the house because I know it’s a strong temptation for me, it always works it’s way back in.  At one point he would wait until I went to bed, then go get beer and sit and drink alone while I slept.  He felt that was a good compromise. I don’t know about that.  I understand having a beer with dinner, I guess. But 5 or 6 beers is a bit much.  Maybe it is just because he hasn’t had a drink in 9 months and he is overdoing it. 

He called me an enabler the other day.  I think it’s true. I make excuses for people’s bad behavior, including his.  I am sitting here making excuses for his drinking.  I am sure there is some dysfunctional family history science behind it.  How to stop enabling? Surely there is a book….

On a lighter note I am 2 weeks cigarette free again.  I’m vaping at a high nicotine level, I’ll gradually decrease the nicotine again and wean off.  Less risk of a shock to my emotional balancing centers that way.  At least that’s what I tell myself.  But 2 weeks strong, feeling good about that.

  I have therapy tomorrow with my psychologist.  He is making a CD of soothing sounds to help me practice self hypnosis. I really like this guy, he is whole food plant based as well as a recovering addict, I feel like we are on the same wavelength.  Although, he has been quite a bit more successful and longer lasting than I. We have a good rapport. I talked to him about my recent drinking and he agrees that it is playing with fire but refrained from being judgmental, which I much appreciated.  His big question was why? Why would I take near ten years of sobriety and flush it for a couple drinks? Good question.  Why’d I eat a burger after two months of veganism. Self destructive behaviors are historically in my repertoire.  I don’t want to crash and burn.  Accountability is something I am lacking, no one seems to care if I fall off the wagon.  My husband wants me to drink socially.  He feels I can control myself now, wrong, I know.  My family is not supportive of the wfpb lifestyle. My mom told me I have to eat meat to be healthy, my husband says 75% plant based is good enough.  Just to lose weight, then go back to eating as usual.  I am never going back to the standard American diet, nope, not me.  But some support would be great.  Understanding of my life choices and empathy for my struggle with food, alcohol and drug addiction.  Maybe asking to have no alcohol in the house is too much, but I’m going to ask again.  Not just for me, but for my husband too.  

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2 thoughts on “Monday Blues

  1. Hello Blue,
    Whenever i cheat be it sugary food, alcohol, or a past favorite drug – i always rationalize it as “i deserve this” and “it’s been awhile, why not?”. And it always comes back to bite me in the ass. I struggle with my weight as well and just started a new med AND have gained 4 pounds in the last 2 weeks. My sister has converted to veganism recently and i swear she looks like she’s gained weight – not what i would have expected. Take care, Doc

    Liked by 1 person

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