Stalling

Well my weight has stalled again…. 242 lbs.  So discouraging.  But I’m keeping at it.  I’ve been going to yoga twice a week and I really like it.  I can’t do some things, but I’ll get there.  It’s refreshing and invigorating.  Of course there are loads of super skinny flexible people standing on their heads while I take the child’s pose lol, but I don’t let it get me down.  I’m in a good place emotionally, bipolar be damned.  I notice that the better, more whole food plant based I eat, the better I feel.  So even if my weight is slow coming off, it’s good for my soul.  

I’m going to a job fair for Amazon work from home today.  Since my disability judgement was unfavorable, I’m trying to find work I can manage.  I don’t want to overdo it and trigger a crash, but a few hours a day on the computer doesn’t sound unreasonable.  I’ve got to get back out there.  My mom is always telling me, “The more you do, the more you can do.”  I don’t really know how true that is, because I have a history of doing too much and triggering a crash.  It’s my greatest fear, to sink down into a depression again.  I’m taking positive steps to reinforce my mood.  I sit in front of my sun lamp, take my meds, supplement with coffee, nap when needed and I eat healthy with regular exercise.  What more can I do?  I’ve even been socialising lately.  A whole world is out there and I want so badly to be a part of it.  But social life is hard.  People are hard to understand and my paranoia always makes me feel unwelcome.  I know it’s all in my head, and I overcome, but sometimes I walk down the street and hear strangers say my name, or I’m convinced that there is a facebook group all about bashing me.  Like I said, I know it’s not real, but I struggle with it.

I’m finding the whole job hunting thing is dragging me down.  I don’t want to ruin my mood with this anymore.  But I do need a job.  I’ll be strong, and power through this.  I applied at toys r us as a night time shopper for the holidays.  I’m calling them today to check on my application.  I also started taking some nursing continuing education classes to reinstate my license.  I need 18 hours.  It’s not too bad, I enjoy the learning aspect of it.  Not sure yet what the $$ amount will be for reinstatement, or what kind of job I’ll find that I can do without over stressing.  There is a world of opportunity out there, and I won’t let it pass me by anymore.

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