Well my weight has stalled again…. 242 lbs. So discouraging. But I’m keeping at it. I’ve been going to yoga twice a week and I really like it. I can’t do some things, but I’ll get there. It’s refreshing and invigorating. Of course there are loads of super skinny flexible people standing on their heads while I take the child’s pose lol, but I don’t let it get me down. I’m in a good place emotionally, bipolar be damned. I notice that the better, more whole food plant based I eat, the better I feel. So even if my weight is slow coming off, it’s good for my soul.
I’m going to a job fair for Amazon work from home today. Since my disability judgement was unfavorable, I’m trying to find work I can manage. I don’t want to overdo it and trigger a crash, but a few hours a day on the computer doesn’t sound unreasonable. I’ve got to get back out there. My mom is always telling me, “The more you do, the more you can do.” I don’t really know how true that is, because I have a history of doing too much and triggering a crash. It’s my greatest fear, to sink down into a depression again. I’m taking positive steps to reinforce my mood. I sit in front of my sun lamp, take my meds, supplement with coffee, nap when needed and I eat healthy with regular exercise. What more can I do? I’ve even been socialising lately. A whole world is out there and I want so badly to be a part of it. But social life is hard. People are hard to understand and my paranoia always makes me feel unwelcome. I know it’s all in my head, and I overcome, but sometimes I walk down the street and hear strangers say my name, or I’m convinced that there is a facebook group all about bashing me. Like I said, I know it’s not real, but I struggle with it.
I’m finding the whole job hunting thing is dragging me down. I don’t want to ruin my mood with this anymore. But I do need a job. I’ll be strong, and power through this. I applied at toys r us as a night time shopper for the holidays. I’m calling them today to check on my application. I also started taking some nursing continuing education classes to reinstate my license. I need 18 hours. It’s not too bad, I enjoy the learning aspect of it. Not sure yet what the $$ amount will be for reinstatement, or what kind of job I’ll find that I can do without over stressing. There is a world of opportunity out there, and I won’t let it pass me by anymore.