Well, Deep Breaths

Gotta slow down and breathe here people.  I am caught up in a whirlwind of shit that needs done and feel like I could explode.  It all started with an emotional meltdown and expression of suicidal thoughts by my 13 year old daughter.  Of course we took it very seriously, with her bipolar diagnosis and ADHD her impulse control issues could lead to an irreversible mistake.  So she spent a week in inpatient care, finally got some meds on board and is doing great now.  Some changes we made and are making to help her have the most stable and supportive environment are what have gotten me all wound up.  We decided to go with homeschooling due to the poor school that we have here.  Between the bullying and teachers not following the IEP she was failing miserably.  Homeschooling was going pretty well, she was motivated and excited.  There was a long holiday for christmas due to the fact that we needed to go back to Ohio to look for rental houses.  Another decision we made was that instead of dragging her out to Washington in a cross country move and then moving to Ohio in a couple years we would go ahead and move back to Ohio now.  Taking her home to her friends and family and staying there until she finishes high school.  Of course we have my husband’s military career to contend with, so there is the potential for another separation so shortly after he came home from deployment.  We are rolling the dice and doing what we can to keep the family together, but odds are there will be some time apart, whether that be a few months or a few years is still up on the air.  Best case scenario he gets fort Knox or a local recruiter station, worst case he volunteers for a hardship tour to get duty station of choice a year from now.  Add on top of that, I started working again. Just 20 hours a week, but it’s been four years since I worked at all and there is definitely an adjustment period, getting back into the swing of juggling responsibilities.  So the hours that I normally spent walking Morgan through the homeschool curriculum are now spent answering angry customer calls about phone insurance.  It has been hard to get her to take some responsibility for her own work and she seems to need my constant attention to stay on task.  It is definitely going better than the last time we tried homeschooling though.  Her mood is more stable and with ADHD meds on board she can focus on tasks when she wants to.  The problem is she doesn’t want to do the schoolwork since winter break.  She got a bunch of art supplies for christmas and all she wants to do is draw and paint.  I understand the consuming feeling she gets when something takes her interest. I have experienced it many times myself, how to redirect that passion, I don’t know.  I’m personally a little overwhelmed with all the changes and new responsibilities, but I am doing great.  I’m shocked at how well I am doing.  I’ve got all these things I’m juggling, all this crap that needs done, all this life up in the air and I’m handling it.  I’m handling shit! I don’t think I’m hypomanic, but I never do.  It’s so hard to tell.  Am I drinking two pots of coffee a day? Yes.  Am I taking my meds? Religiously. Do i feel like i am flying on cloud nine? No.  That’s a good sign.  I surely don’t feel good, I feel run ragged.  But it’s a temporary situation, we will get to Ohio and get settled and put down some roots.  Things will slow back down and we will develop routines.  Morgan will start back in school and I will help my mom with her new ceramics shop she wants to open.  So I can finally focus on my own artistic passions.  

Limbo, that’s how I feel right now, like I’m in limbo.  There is so much up in the air.  So many decisions with so many different outcomes.  The army, the job, the rental.  I need the security of definitive answers and I’m stuck waiting to see if it will all work out.  Renting a uhaul truck and driving from Georgia to Ohio is not my idea of a good time either.  We had the lease for the rental emailed to us today, it didn’t mention our cat.  So I emailed back asking if it was ok that we had a cat, waiting on the hammer to drop in that.  Waiting on the army to tell us what is happening to my husband, how far away will he be? I have this nagging worry that I will get fired from my little temp job, I worry there won’t be another job in the works when the time comes.  I worry that Morgan will fail the 7th grade, despite my best efforts.  I worry pne of us will run out of meds during the transition from Ga to Oh.  My therapist doesn’t understand my worrying.  He just blows it off, like why are you worrying?  You can’t control or change anything. Obviously the man has never struggled with anxiety.  I literally threw up my first day on the new job.  I seriously doubt that he ever puked over a phone call.  I’m actually looking forward to getting a new therapist and Dr.  This teleconferencing Dr appointments is not for me and he never gives me enough refills.  I think I have absorbed everything this therapist has to offer, he just keeps repeating the same old stories to me, and telling me the same old lines.  

  I fell off the plant based wagon when my husband got home and started frying chicken every night.  I’m back up to 252 lbs.  I want to get to Ohio and get settled and restart the healthy lifestyle.  I felt so good when I was eating no meat and increasing my fruits and vegetables.  I even signed on for a study from home program to become a certified fitness coach and wellness advisor.  That may have been a premature decision and who takes wellness advice from a fat bipolar lady but I was so obsessed at the time.  With all that is going on here I haven’t had much time to study the material lately.  I need to be done with the first module in April and take the test.  We will see if I can do it.  I’m about halfway through, it’s mostly nutrition which I studied in nursing school, so it’s a review for me.  It goes a little more in depth but it’s not hard.  And I ain’t no dummy.  The wellness coaching part is what is going to take some studying, but the test is only on the nutrition portion.  Then I move on to the plant based portion which really interests me.  There is a bunch of dvd’s of Dr Gregor’s talks and the book Whole to read,  and an audio book of some sort.  I just need to get my life back under my own control and there is just so much going on.

Another new thing is my mom’s invitation to help her open up and run a paint your own pottery shop.  Mostly classic slip poured ceramics, but some thrown pottery as well.  I love clay and working with it has always interested me.  I have always wanted to learn to throw and will be taking a class ASAP.  Hand building in clay was always my favorite in high school.  Painting ceramics is something we have done since we were kids, my mom had a part time job at the local ceramics shop.  She has me signed up for some different technique classes this spring and we are also learning texture medium called MUD, pretty cool stuff.  This will be taking up the majority of my free time and hopefully I will be able to provide financially for the family by the time my husband retires.  There are several empty store fronts in the town we live in, in Ohio.  And rent is reasonable.  It’s a dream come true really.  Working with my mom will be hard at times but we get along most of the time and we will be building some great memories.  This is really what I want to be doing with all my free time right now, but my hands are tied as I’m 1000 miles away and obligated in so many other ways right now.  Come spring though, it’s on.


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