I wrote this introduction over a year ago during one of my most pleasant manic episodes, its obvious to me by my writing that I was manic even though I didn’t see it at the time. It was all good vibes and big plans.
So my therapist says I should write a book. That seems a little daunting. I almost wrote a book a few years ago. I was going to call it “My Life As A Teenage Stripper” . Catchy huh? I was manic at the time and couldn’t sit long enough to write so I got a memo recorder. I spouted nonsense and rambling memories at this thing while driving home drunk from the club every night for a week. Then I lost it. Oops. I just hope some little kid didn’t find it. I’m mortified just thinking about someone hearing all that. A drunk bipolar teenage stripper has some good stories to tell a little electronic audience. I can’t remember it at all now though. It’s funny but when your no longer so drunk, all those things that happened when you were in such a state go fuzzy and turn into a jumble of half understood-slightly pornographic commercials of your life. I like to skip commercials. Drives my husband nuts but I forward-fast them every chance I get. I’ve been sober (mostly) for ten years now. The memories fade the more time goes by but sometimes I’ll see or smell and BAM flash of the titty bar. I don’t want you to think this blog is all about drunk strippers- it’s not. Those memories are there and do intrude from time to time but I want to focus on my life now. It’s a good life. I have two children and a husband with love all around. I have recently begun formulating a five year plan for us. We are going to be farmers!! Not the plowing 1500 acres and planting corn for our 5 million cows kind but the 20 to 30 acre self sufficient kind. This is not a bandwagon I’m jumping on as a new kick or because “they” have been messing with my meds and I feel a little manic. I grew up on a farm and those are the best memories of my life. I want my children to have memories like that and that’s what we are working towards. I want to share my experiences and lessons and let people know that just because your certifiable doesn’t mean you can’t do something really great. One nice thing about manic episodes is ambition and inflated self esteem. I’ve dropped the transmission on my 92 jeep wrangler to replace the slave cylinder. Tuff right? I also crochet shoes and hats for my baby and bake sourdough bread for my family. I like to can things we grow in the garden with my mom. I’ve processed a deer and worked my way through nursing school. Life as a crazy person can be called a lot of things and an adventure is definitely one of them.
I was diagnosed as bipolar five years ago, I had been labeled with major depressive disorder-recurring before that. Looking back though, it was there when I was a teenager and possibly even as a child. I found out after my diagnosis that my grandmother was bipolar and I inherited more than her cute nose, I got her paranoia too. It used to be a joke amongst us that memaw thought the migrant workers came and pooped in her yard, but I don’t laugh at that anymore. My thing is cameras everywhere, tiny James Bond cameras on the backs of birds and in nail holes in the walls, and little robotic bugs that follow me around spying on me for god knows who. It comes and goes with meds and without, it is just an aspect of my personality now like nail biting or hating pickles.